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What the F–k is this? H.P. Lovecraft’s rolling in his grave. Please Comment

Meet The Really Bad Movie Review Crew

Russell Weinberg (Hard ass critic, keeps it real, funny guy, Seth Rogen’s unofficial younger brother & the Second Most Interesting Man In The World (stay thirsty my homies), stealer of birthdays.)

Born: Aug. 13, 1989

Resides: Forest Hills (Tornado took all out trees, now un-officially “THE HILLS”), Queens

A critical reviewer of films and television alike. Mr. Weinberg goes above and beyond to bring you the best and the worst of films, with a convenient Jason mask rating system (out of 5) and a no holds barred attitude. You won’t waste your precious time and money or life on movies that suck when hes around.

Dallas Fernando Valdez (The cynic, Connoisseur of everyday Supermarket foods, Jessica Alba’s future ex-husband, and your next World Heavyweight Champion Of The World, Resident Hater, stealer of birthdays.)

Born: Aug. 13, 1988

Resides: The Mean Streets of Sunnyside, Queen

Disliker of horror movies, completely. Since he’s forced against his will (possibly at gunpoint, we won’t tell) to watch them, the only enjoyment he gets out of this is to question and poke fun at every wrong, or unbelievable thing in question. Mr. Valdez likes most other movies.

Daniel “The Man With No Middle Name” Torres (Destroyer of Fakeness, becomes a Kleptomaniac during boring movies, resident mattress tester, arch enemy of Jason Voorhees, Ally of Freddy Kreuger, believes Chuck NORRIS can’t kick, runner up on TOP CHEF)

Born: July 28, 1988

Resides: Bushwick/Ridgewood Or somewhere between Brooklyn and Queens, keepin’ the border safe.

If Mr. Torres hates a movie, he will let u know in the best and most insulting of ways. He’ll fall right the f–k to sleep almost instantaneously. When he’s awake he consistently points out what is fake and wrong with today’s motion pictures.

Peter Christian DeCaprio (resident Michael Meyers expert, Connoisseur of fine wines,  collector of masks, horror movie buff, believes in paranormal activity, owns a pet Predator.)

Born: May 14, 1988

Resides: Rego Park (Its actually hell), Queens

Mr. DeCaprio (no relation to Leonardo DiCaprio), is a connoisseur of the fine arts… the fine arts that don’t extend past brutal killings and explosions every 5 minutes (he’s even more so fond of objects that explode that aren’t even supposed to). But he can analyze a movie for crap better than any other.

Top 13 Jason Voorhees Kills…Ever.

Before I start this wonderfully diabolical article i think a few honorable mentions need to be made for not only Jason’s mother Pamela but for the fake Jason from part 5 and for the inanimate objects also harmed by Jason.

Part 1, Pamela (Betsy Palmer): Marcie (Jeannine Taylor) Gets axed in the face, after a rousing evening in bed with her boyfriend.Obviously shes destined to die because she just has sex…can’t do that in a horror movie.

Part 5 “Jason”(Tom Morga) : Tina (Debi Sue Voorhees (her legal last name is really Voorhees)) decides to go for a delightful (and topless) stroll in the woods after a couple of her friends are already brutally murdered.Do you see a pattern developing here pretty, naked women always die in these movies. Well anyway she lays down to tan herself and gets a pair of garden clippers in the eyes and her skull cut in half.

Inanimate objects destroyed by Jason: Jason (Kane Hodder) kicks the hell out of a radio when walking down the street in New York, and also sinks a ship in the same movie (killing 20-30 extra people…). (Friday the 13th Part 8 : Jason Takes Manhattan)

Jason killed the Radio Star…

Well we might as well get down to business at this point, now that im done screwing around…

#13.IN DEEP SH*T:

Charles McCullough (Peter Mark Richmon) – drowned in a barrel of sewage (Jason Takes Manhattan). OK this guy is a douche-bag “uncool” strict school principal. Tightwads die in horror movies, its a fact people. This guy threw his niece into a lake when she was 3 in the storyline, so i guess his ending fit.

#12.PIN-UP GIRL:

Jane (Staci Greason)- tent spike in the neck, impaled to a tree. (The New Blood). Ok, sometimes you can feel sympathy for people. This poor girl and her boyfriend got lost in the woods on the way to a party (how sad), then you realize they’re trespassing all over Jason’s property, and every American has the right to defend his property.

#11.THEY SEE ME ROLLIN’… THEY HATIN’…

Mark (Tom McBride) – macheted in the face (rolls down stairs afterwards). (Friday the 13th Part 2). Now, this guy I really do feel a little bad for… he’s in a wheelchair, crippled from a motorcycle accident, and is about to get laid… how great is that. He decides to roll out on the porch to look for the girl he was with, and THWACK, catches a machete right across the face, and then to add insult to injury, he rolls back down a giant flight of stairs.

#10. FROZEN IN FEAR

Adrienne (Kristi Angus) – face frozen in liquid nitrogen and smashed on counter. (JASON X). Well, she basically gets her face dipped in liquid nitrogen and smashed on a counter after doing an autopsy on Jason. The moral here is i guess don’t perform an autopsy on Jason…don’t remove his mask neither…

#9. BAG ‘EM AND TAG ‘EM:

Judy (Debora Kessler) – bashed against a tree in her sleeping bag. (The New Blood). This just sucks to be her, but when theres a 200+ lb. guy in a hockey mask, with a big knife chasing you, why in the hell would you go for cover in a sleeping bag. Death by FAIL.

#8. WASTE OF BEER:

Trey (Jesse Hutch) – stabbed with machete, folded in half in bed. (Freddy Vs. Jason). Awwwww, the @$$hole kid dies, and drops the beer. Can’t treat anything right, be it a pretty girl or a beer.

#7.CHOPPED & SCREWED:

Jimmy (Crispin Glover) – corkscrew through hand, cleaver to the face. (The Final Chapter). Our friend Jimmy here only wants a beer, but when he goes to the fridge to get one Jason springs out on him, impaling his hand to the counter with a corkscrew, then for good measure, severs his face with a meat cleaver.

#6.THE NUTCRACKER SUITE:

Andy (Jeffery Rogers) – macheted in half while walking on hands. (Friday the 13th Part 3: In (spectacular, no not really) 3D). After having sex with his girlfriend, and smoking some pot (All he has to do is break the drinking rule of horror movies), Andy walks downstairs to get a beer (well he’s screwed) on his hands. Well he’s sure surprised when Jason drops down from the rafters and slices him in half from groin area to sternum.

#5.TWIST AND DON’T SHOUT:

Sissy (Renee Jones) – head twisted around 360 degrees and ripped off. (Jason Lives). She makes fun of Jason (and pours soda on his head when she pours it out the window), so he twists, and pops her head off like a cork.This is why you don’t make fun of people who are bigger than you (or pour soda on them)…

#4.TRIPLE KILL (+300), HEADSHOT (+150) HEADSHOT (+150) HEADSHOT (+150):

Stan (Matthew Faison) and
Katie (Ann Ryerson) and
Larry (Alan Blumenfield) – triple decapitation with a machete.(Jason Lives) This speaks for itself…

Tie for #3.HEARTBREAKER:

Allen (Ron Palillo) – heart ripped out (Jason Lives), Dan (Michael Schroder) – Jason’s hand through his body, neck broken (The New Blood). Jason punches people hearts out, and snaps the second guys neck for good measure. Also self explanatory.

#2. ONE HITTA QUITTA:

Julius (V.C. Dupree) – decapitated by punch.(Jason Takes Manhattan). This guy has balls, but dies anyway. He tries to engage Jason in a fistfight, and after wearing himself out trying to beat up Jason, Julius’ head is forcibly removed. He has his  head punched off, clean…off…

#1. JASON KILLS FREDDY!:

Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) – arm ripped off by Jason, then own glove rammed through torso… (Freddy vs. Jason). Nuff’ Said…

JASON: PART 2: Steve Daskawisz,: PART 3: Richard Brooker,  THE FINAL CHAPTER: Ted White (Uncredited), JASON LIVES: C.J. Graham, THE NEW BLOOD, JASON TAKES MANHATTAN, JASON X: Kane Hodder, FREDDY VS. JASON: Ken Kirzinger.

I would like to thank, http://www.fridaythe13thfilms.com/home.html for great pics and the best bodycount detail ever, ever…, i love these guys, they’re awesome, I’ve been checking their site out since i was like 10. Great site. And IMDb.com, for the helpful actor information.

M, A Review

Now you may wonder what M has to do with horror. Well nothing really other than it deals with the subject of death, and a killer. Its a suspense murder mystery set in 1930’s Germany, and is both a good and bad movie in my opinion. How can this be you may ask? It’s quite simple actually, a movie thats good and bad has good aspects and bad ones.

The movie begins with a long period of silence as suspense is built up around a mother whose waiting for her daughter to come home from school. I like the way the silence is used because it creates an eerie atmosphere, and keeps you holding your breath for whatever happens next. We then go down to the street, where by deductive reasoning, we figure that this little girl is the daughter the mother is waiting for. The daughter we see is approached by a stranger and complimented on her dress, so she decides to take a walk with him. After walking a few feet and engaging in conversation the man stops and buys her a balloon and candy as they head to the park. The shot then zooms into the girls feet sticking out of a bush, insinuating her death, then takes a shot of her balloon wrapped up in power lines slowly deflating then to an empty candy bag fluttering in the wind.

The one thing i can most certainly say i like is the off screen death of the olden day flick. Don’t get me wrong I love a gory obnoxious death, I wouldn’t have made this blog about horror movies if i didn’t, but there is a charm to the off screen death in that it forces the viewer to use their  imagination. The human mind is powerful, and the images of horror we can concoct with it are usually more graphic than anything that can be put onto film or built with special effects. No wonder fear is such a powerful thing…

But i digress, at this point the movie starts to build up the situation at hand, a killer, a child killer is on the loose in a small German town. Everyone is baffled. Hes left no clues, no evidence, only a single handwritten note, written in red pencil. They find no fingerprints on it… they’re lost. The family holds a funeral for the daughter (also the 9th victim of the killer), as we fade out into the night streets to a  bar in the corner of an alley. Everyone is carrying on and having a good time, gambling, drinking, and prostitution are abound, and just as the fun kicks off the cops show up, raiding the criminal underground in search of the killer. The police ask for papers (I.D.) and whoever dosen’t have it is carted off to prison.

The criminal underworld meets now as we are invited into a private poker game of “bad guys” and we hear them conversing about how there going to go and find this child killer and bring him to justice. We are shortly after this plopped into the police station where the cops are setting up a plan of action, how they will go house to house with the clues they have discovered and try to find a old wooden table with red pencil shavings around it or a red pencil (they deduced these clues from the way the handwriting looked on the paper). Quickly back to the bad guys we go as they conduct their own plan of action having the pickpockets patrol street corners and buildings for any sign of this creep. A pair of pickpockets eventually see a strange customer walking with a little girl. They follow him as he gives her fruit and candy, and then to a balloon stand, the same one he visited at the beginning of the movie, and buys her a balloon. The two pickpockets loose sight of him when they run into the balloon vendor, a blind old man. They ask him where he went and if knows which direction he went in describing their one clue to the blind man(the only clue the pickpockets had up until that time was the song the man they pursued whistled). The blind man using his other senses not only tells them the direction he went in, but also confirms hes the one who bought the same clown balloon for the other girl that died and whistled in the same pitch. The pickpockets immediately continue to pursue him and one of them puts a mark on his back with some chalk in the shape of an M when he pretends to bump into him. The bad guys eventually find and pursue him into an office building where they loose him as he hides in the attic. What would bad guys do in this situation? Yep, you guessed it, break in and find ’em.

In what has to be one of the slowest most drawn out search scenes I’ve ever seen ( it would have been great sped up, with the Benny Hill theme added into it) the bad guys search the building, and eventually find the guy. Doing another bad guy thing quite well, they also left the most likely to snitch member of the gang, who in fact snitches when the police lie to him… like they always do.

As we settle into finally seeing the killer for the first time he wakes up in a warehouse in front of a “jury” of bad guys, and they toss around their moral fibers as they decide what to do with the guy. The mob boss saying he should be executed, and the killers “defense attorney” argues that the mob boss is a murderer too, and the killer begs for his life, and they bicker like this back and forth until, once again the police show up, say “Stick ’em Up!” and the movie fades to black.

Overall, I’d say its a good flick, subtitled throughout for those who can’t understand German, and good to great acting throughout, THE REALLY BAD MOVIE REVIEW gives this flick 4 of 5 1/2 stars. Fritz Lang (even though hes dead) should be proud of his directing job, and ability to make suspense come to life. Peter Lorre (even though hes dead) should be proud of the job he did, bringing a crazy serial killer to life on the silver screen, and making it believable (believe me here at THE REALLY BAD MOVIE REVIEW we’ve seen a lot, and i mean a lot of bad actors and bad movies, it’s our specialty after all).

Good flick, go see it, don’t bring the kids.

Day of the Dead 2: Contagium

Look let me start off with the “critic review/comment” on the back of the box that is credited to absolutely no one(I think its the guy who made the DVD box art). “Part prequel, part sequel, and a total gut-ripping,gore-spewing homage to the original.” Yea, and Bill Clinton didn’t get “special treatment” from Monica Lewenski. This movie, as my movie analyzing team of mad scientists (Tj, my editor friend, Dallas, my critical of everything fake friend, Pete the Horror Movie Buff, and Daniel, who has fallen asleep 15 minutes into this garbage) sit and groan at what has been put before us (sadly this is my second time viewing it and alreadly thinking about the ending of this movie, coupled with the viewing of the horrible opening sequence, I am literally feeling sick).

This movie starts off in Ravenside Military Installation where an experimental replicating virus ( whatever that is) is discovered to cause the dead to rise in an experiment gone awry. Right off the bat this dose not have anything to do with Day of the Dead considering zombies don’t talk, and the first zombie we see threatens someone in Russian, before snapping his jugular vein (which I may add, zombies don’t usually do either, usually they eat you). Of course the Army responds (late, and with absolutely no one noticing the convoy even exists) to a large scale disaster at their own facility (ill equiped of course) and unsurprisingly are over run by the zombie masses and Day of the Dead supposedly begins as another soldier who steals a copy of the virus (and seals it in a Thermos) is killed running away from the facility, and the Thermos is lost for good, or is it? ( I wish it was lost forever so this movie didn’t have to continue)You can already tell this movie is going to be low budget crap that attempts to use a much better movie (George Romero’s Day of the Dead ) to give it a leg up. Army helicopters that are poor special effects and guns that don’t give off muzzle flash (in one scene you can actually see that the guns don’t even have barrels drilled in them) to people who look like a group of last minute Comic-Con zombies, this movie fails completely, mostly in these first ten minutes or so.

You may think it couldn’t get any worse from there, but it dose. Ravenside, 37 years later (and somehow after all that, the zombies are just cleaned up and life is normal) we zero in on a group of misfits in the newly built psychiatric hospital, a mentally challenged black guy, a stereotypical angry italian, a stereotypical virgin nerd, and another guy who just dosen’t seem like he fits in cause he seems normal. The mentally challenged black guy finds this long lost Thermos and decides its shiny and he wants to save it, so he squirrels it away to his dorm as the walking group of stereotypes babbles on about the same damn thing over and over, nothing. Then with a quick twist of the camera we are introduced to the female residents (a junkie, a stereotypical goth girl wearing devil horns, and a sex fiend/ former prostitute) and the douchebag head guard whose always trying to cop a feel whether these girls like it or not.

We now enter the dwelling, a crappy typical hospital setup that could easily be mistaken for a high-school hallway or a poorly stocked CVS. As our mentally challenged friend goes on  to polish his newly found Thermos, he realizes there’s something rattling around in it, and tells the others even though theirs something in there he feels like it will be bad to open it. The Italian guy, being tough and all, wants to open it anyway so he steals it. We are now introduced to the doctor and his aide who seem to be wanting to get it on and a crazy German professor whose character is quintessentially unimportant and is dressed like an idiot.

After everyone deduces that the Italian guy must have stole it, considering he’s the only one missing, they know automatically to look in the bathroom( for whatever reason this is or how they know escapes me because its never mentioned, but whatever right you already see where this is all going). So they all rush in and low and behold the Thermos gets opened and what looks like an otherworldly tampon pops out onto the floor releasing the dreaded Zombie Virus… which looks like freakin’ Tinkerbell. What kind of f–kin’ life devastating virus SPARKLES AND GLOWS PURPLE!

So this whole group plus one girl is now infected and nows the time for douchebag guard to live up to his name. Seeing the group coming out of the bathroom he breaks them up and physically escorts the one girl back to her cell, as everyone else develops symptoms of the virus(fake looking pussy spots peeling skin and puking up tar(mabye they should cut down on cigarettes too)) and the need to feed. Meanwhile the guard is trying to rape the chick in the other room, now having developed these zombie symptoms she bites him spreading the virus.

At this point it begins to make even less sense ( if thats possible) and the infected start to mutate into well, odd gremlin like creatures, and the guard mutates into a guy with a giant arm who looks like he was beaten by a platoon of men with ugly sticks. I have to keep it real at this point i was sick to my stomach so I turned this movie off about 15 minutes ago and have been watching CatDog since then, i will still finish off the movie as my civic duty to you all because I’ve seen it, but i can’t bear to watch it again, even for this review. The movie goes on to have the zombies killed by this oddly dressed doctor who i think eventually gets killed as do the zombies by the army or something. Look people it not really worth it to see this, its a waste of the precious time you have on this planet, its a poorly made movie.

I hope that Ana Clavell (Writer and Director) and James Dudelson (Producer,Director) read this, and honestly i hope they feel bad. They did a horrible job with this movie, both cinematography wise and storyline wise, and worst of all tarnished the original Day of the Dead‘s good reputation.

We here at THE REALLY BAD MOVIE REVIEW, we who have sat through films such as Sharktopus, and Mega Piranha, courtesy of the SYFY Network, were grossly appalled at the low production value of this work, and am sickened to even think this was worth sitting through. This Film gets one half of a Jason mask, and it makes Chris Jericho very angry… 

Oh, and my final thought… Contagium… it isn’t a real word, its fake don’t see this movie its freakin’ awful.

The Body Count Begins…

Well, the first thing i wanna body is the way this blog works… Dose anyone know why pictures wont upload?

 

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